In this and my previous blog, I explore some models in psychology, which can be helpful in understanding ourselves, our patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviours. These models offer a lens through which we can observe ourselves and others, but they are not absolute truths. They are a tool that can be useful for self-reflection but a word of caution - let's not take them too literally as doing so could risk oversimplifying our complex individual experiences and emotional depth.

In my previous blog, I looked at the Triangle Model and, in this blog, at the Ego-state model. Ego-state model (1966), proposed by Eric Berne can help us identify and untangle some patterns in our thoughts, feelings, behaviours. These patterns often stem from our experiences in earlier stages of our life. They become ingrained in our minds, and when we interact with others, our responses, often unconsciously, tend to reflect the ways we learned while growing up.

By becoming aware of these patterns, we can take ownership of our reactions and make conscious choices about how we respond. We can learn to move away from automatic reactions towards more intentional interactions.

The ego-state model

This model identifies three ego-states:

Child ego-state - when I behave, think and feel as I did when I was a child. For example, if, as a child you were reprimanded by the parent and in response you would sulk or shout, in adulthood, when you feel reprimanded, you may have a similar response. Similar feelings, e.g. of being criticised, rejected, not understood - are activated in adulthood and our response may then be made from the Child ego-state.

Parent ego-state - when I behave, think and feel in ways copied from parent figures. For example, if, as a child your parent reprimanded you, you may be reprimanding others in a similar manner in your adulthood.

Adult ego-state - when I respond directly to the here-and-now events and situations around me.

All three ego-states are valuable and play an important role in our lives. Over time, we have developed many behaviours and coping strategies that continue to benefit us as adults. For instance, learning as a child to be cautions when crossing the road continues to help keep us safe as adults.  However, some patterns we developed in the past may no longer benefit us in the present. For instance, a child that was criticised for being playful might grow into an adult who feels inhibited or self-conscious in situations that call for creativity or fun.

A closer look at ego-states

Parent ego-state

Nurturing Parent – when I behave in ways similar to how my parents cared for me:

1. • Positive: Offering genuine care and regard for others, like supporting someone with their specific needs.
   • Negative: “Rescuing” others by taking over, without considering whether they need help or what kind of help would benefit them.

Controlling Parent – when I behave like my parent figures did when instructing or controlling:

1. • Positive: Providing guidance or protection, such as a doctor advising a patient: “Smoking isn’t good for you.”
   • Negative: Being dismissive or critical of others, putting them down rather than helping them grow.

Child ego-state

Adapted Child - when I replay behaviours that adapt to the rules or demands of parent figures:

1. • Negative: For example, a child who bottles up emotions because their parents discouraged anger or sadness may grow up suppressing these feelings, or they may be responding to others in a passive aggressive manner.
   • Positive: Some adapted behaviours, like learning to wash hands regularly or fastening a seatbelt in a car, are practical and help us function well in adulthood

Free Child - when I replay my uncensored, spontaneous childhood ways, free from parental pressures:

1. • Positive: Being playful, creative, and uninhibited.
   • Negative: Acting recklessly, impulsively, engaging in risky behaviours and disregarding rules entirely, e.g. driving a car too fast, ignoring workplace guidelines.

Adult Ego-State - represents our ability to respond in the here-and-now, using logic, reason, and self-awareness. It embodies the belief that “I’m okay, and you’re okay,” allowing us to make balanced decisions and navigate life effectively.

The road to awareness and autonomy

Our thoughts, feelings and behaviours rooted in the past can interfere with our Adult functioning, holding us back from making more effective choices for ourselves, for example:

• A childhood belief like "Never trust a stranger" may unconsciously influence an adult decision to isolate ourselves unnecessarily.
• Thinking “I’m not a good speaker” because of past criticisms might prevent us from stepping confidently into the present reality, where we are entirely capable.
• Interpreting someone's comment or request as a criticism, when none is implied, may cause tension and misunderstandings in relationships.

In therapy, we can work on identifying and separating these historic ego-states, these old beliefs from the Adult ego-state in the here-and-now, allowing us to live more authentically and to make more autonomous choices, for instance, a person who learned to supress emotions in childhood may, as an adult and with a help of a therapist begin to express grief or anger in a safe and constructive way, or a person engaging in risky behaviours from their Free Child ego-state can learn to balance their spontaneity, with Adult awareness, finding a way to enjoy life whilst staying safe.

Recognising  the value of each ego-state and tapping into their constructive aspects, can lead to a more conscious life. The Parent guides and cares, the Child ignites creativity and joy, and the Adult makes thoughtful decisions. These states together create a self that can navigate and balance emotional responses, make independent decisions and engage fully with life.

Self-reflection

Part 1: Think back over your last week:

- Were there any times when you thought, felt or behaved just as you did when you were a child? Do you recognise any of these being your old beliefs, no longer serving you and stopping your personal growth?

- Were there times when you thought, felt or behaved in ways you copied from your parent figures? Do you recognise any of these rooted in your past experiences and no longer serving you and stopping your personal growth?

- Were there times when you thought, felt and behaved as a direct response to the here-and-now situation?

Part 2: Now, if you could re-write some of these thoughts, feelings or behaviours, what would your new script be?

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References:

Berne, E. (1966) Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press.
Lapworth, P. and Sills, C. (2011) An Introduction to Transactional Analysis: Helping People Change. London: Sage Publications.
Stewart, I. and Joines, V. (1987) TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis. Nottingham: Lifespace Publishing