We've all heard the saying, "We hear what we want to hear." But do we realise that what we hear is often rooted in the messages we heard and learnt in our childhood. Growing up, we're constantly influenced by the words and actions of our parents, teachers, and others, shaping the way we see ourselves, others, and the world around us. These early experiences often become so deeply ingrained that they form our internal language—guiding how we respond to situations and people in adulthood.Unconsciously, we often replay these old scripts when interacting with others. Whether it's in our romantic relationships, friendships, or professional dynamics, these patterns can cause tension and misunderstandings.

Psychology offers many models to help us understand these patterns and change the scripts we play out. One model that has personally helped me in better understanding and transforming my relationship dynamics is Steven Karpman’s Drama Triangle (1968). When looking at this or any model, I stay open minded so as not to feel restricted and boxed in, as each of us is unique with our own stories and experiences. Still, models and structure can be helpful in recognising patterns and making sense of our interactions. The roles in the Drama Triangle may not fully describe your experience and the traits may not be as clear-cut in your relationships, but reflecting on these dynamics can still offer useful insight that can lead to developing more fulfilling ways of relating to yourself and others.

Understanding the Drama Triangle

The Drama Triangle describes three archetypal roles that people tend to adopt automatically and unconsciously as a response to situations that stir up old emotional wounds - the Rescuer, the Victim and the Persecutor.

• Rescuer: believes that they must always look after others as they don’t recognise that others can make their own choices and solve their own problems. They will often not listen and recognise what others really need. Helping others is a noble act, but the Rescuer’s motivation may come from a need for validation and control, rather than empathy and compassion. They may also overlook their own needs, which can lead to burnout
• Victim: feels powerless and discounts their ability and power to take responsibility for their own circumstances. They often blame others or external factors for their difficulties, viewing themselves as stuck in situations they cannot change, often expecting someone else to take control and save them.
• Persecutor: dominates and controls others, often through criticism, belittling, or bullying. This helps them avoid having to face their own insecurities or unmet needs. The role can also manifest as an internal bully, inner critic or self-harm.

There is a fluid dynamic between these roles. One can move from one role to another, sometimes many times within one conversation. For example, the Rescuer may become angry with the Victim’s lack of appreciation and switch to the Persecutor role, or the Victim may get disappointed with the lack of attention they receive and move to the Persecutor role. Moving or staying in these roles means we are not taking responsibility for our feelings and actions. We remain trapped blaming or shaming or expecting others to save us, staying in unhealthy and unproductive interactions.

Breaking free from the Triangle

So, how can we move away from this drama-filled triangle? We can start with awareness. Most of our patterns stem from childhood and past experiences and are deeply embedded in our psyche. Reflecting on our interactions and recognising the patterns can be a first step towards change. Next step often requires patience. Because these patterns are so deeply ingrained in our brains, changing them will often require time and intentional effort.

In therapy, we can work through these internal scrips and challenge the beliefs that we have held for years to help us step out of these roles and develop healthier beliefs and ways of relating to ourselves and others.

• The Persecutor can work on facing and acknowledging their vulnerabilities and learn to express their emotions and needs without resorting to aggression or control.
• The Victim is invited to recognise their own power and responsibility to create change in their lives and learn to believe in and use their inner resources to do so.
• The Rescuer can shift towards genuine compassion, learning to listen more carefully and allowing others the space to take responsibility for their own growth.

Awareness of our relational dynamics can help us improve the quality of our relationships. By acknowledging our tendency to play out old scripts, we learn to have a choice to change the way we interact with ourselves and others, and create new, healthier patterns of relating.

An exercise to help you recognise different roles played in your relationships

Write a story of a recent difficult interaction you had. Describe in detail the event and how you felt about yourself and towards the person / people involved in this event. Describe any injustice that you might have felt and any revenge that you would like to take on the person that caused that injustice. Describe any expectations that you might have had that were not met by the other person. Don’t judge yourself when writing this story, allow yourself to express fully and freely what you have been feeling.Give your story a title.

Reflect on the story you wrote – see if you can identify who was the Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor; maybe the same person played different roles in different parts of the story. Also notice if there is anyone in that story that isn’t taking any of these three roles in any part of the story.

Now write a new script for this story – rewrite it casting yourself as someone who faced a challenge, found courage and acted. It does not matter whether this new script played out in your life or not - this exercise is to help you reframe the narrative that often plays in the head, it can help you take a more responsible look at yourself and others and start having a different response in interactions with others.

---

References:

Karpman, S. (1968) Fairy tales and script drama analysis, TA Bulletin, 26(7), 39-43.
Lapworth, P. and Sills, C. (2011) An Introduction to Transactional Analysis: Helping People Change. London: Sage Publications.
Villoldo, A. (2010) Courageous Dreaming. USA: Hay House Inc.